Whitney Wakes Up

What a whirlwind this past week has been. I can’t tell if it’s been a year or just one really long day - everything feels so blurred together. In order to allow Sarah to heal as much as she can from her surgery, I’ve spent almost every minute of the past week beside Whitney as she fights her way through this recovery. I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve been able to spend with her and often read her many hours of the current book I’m working through. We also watched Thursday Night Football as I imagined that would be something I would do while holding her on my lap before this all went a bit sideways.

There were many moments in those first few days where we thought we’d lost her. I don’t really have the words to describe what that was like. However I remember one moment clearly as I watched the medical team move quickly around Whitney in one of her darkest moments. I remember being so afraid, but also knowing there was just nothing we could do. I looked over at Whitney and just knew that she was in God’s hands and that whether it be here, or in heaven, He was going to protect her. It’s quite a wild reality to come face to face with, how little control we have over our children’s protection.

From the day we walked into the hospital for the scheduled c-section, I understood clearly what my role needed to be. It was not the time to feel very much, but rather to be the least “in tune” with my emotions that I have been in some time. There was so much heaviness to walk through every hour that emotion needed to be placed to the side for a bit. I think this all will hit me, either all at once, or slowly over the next days and weeks. One thing I have noticed is how much harder it is to write these posts, as I’m just not locked in to the deeper side of my thoughts. We’ve also had a pretty nasty virus roll through our house here which has complicated much of our Whitney visits.

Sarah wrote on Wednesday that things had just started to turn a corner. I’m happy to report that there have been little to no negatives in Whitney’s recovery since then. She continues to push ahead like the fighter we knew she’d be. Her swelling continues to decrease dramatically, it’s almost shocking to realize how swollen she was. Every day they decrease different medications until they have been able to fully take her off of a number of them. One of the more tangible and exciting things for us has been how much she has “woken up” from the heavy medication required before and during surgery. She opens her eyes more each day and can squeeze our finger in her hand and wiggle her toes when tickled. Still a ways to go - but it’s been so wonderful to see. Each Dr that stops by to check on Whitney continues to be impressed by the speed of her recovery - especially because of how rough things were. We are currently in the PCICU (Pediatric Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and on Friday morning they said they anticipated us being able to move back down to the NICU (a slightly less intense version of the PCICU) in 3 days. By Friday afternoon they were happy to send us down that day and only a lack of beds in the NICU have kept us in the PCICU.

I hit a bit of a wall, both physically and emotionally on Friday - a week after she was born. Fortunately, Sarah was feeling well enough to take some extra time with Whitney, something that she honestly had been really pushing to do. It’s been very hard to have mom and baby apart - Sarah can feel it physically that this isn’t how it was supposed to be. So the more time she’s been able to spend there has been such a positive for Sarah, and for Whitney. I’ve really needed to put myself in the back seat over the past few months but especially since her birth and I’d be lying if I wasn’t a bit concerned about how things will play out for me over the next little while. Living with a disease means these intensely stressful seasons always come with an extra cost. However as I sit and think through that and feel the fear that is often hiding within those thoughts; it’s very comforting to know that I wouldn’t change anything.

Earlier today we were looking through some of the things we packed for this trip, one of which was an outfit and some small items to be used in case she passed. It’s almost surreal to look at those things now, what was such a sharp reality for so many months, and compare it against our current reality. God is so good, but not only because things have been going good lately. We knew with just as much certainty in the darkest moments how good He was - we’re just so grateful for every moment we get with our little girl.

Looking ahead, we ask that you continue to pray for Whitney, and our family. Much has been sacrificed so Sarah and I can do whatever we need for Whitney and we’re so grateful for that support. Pray also for Sarah and I, for endurance and wisdom as we navigate things out here. I had to take a break in the midst of writing this to snuggle with the twins a bit - they were worried that I’d left again for night. This all is hard on them, please continue to pray for them as well. To the countless who’ve been surrounding us in prayer, not only this past week, but in the weeks and months leading up to this, thank you so much. Sarah and I have felt the peace and strength we know goes beyond our own ability - we’ve found so much assurance in His strength.

Thanks again for following along.

Ryan